The Family Christmas dilemmas

We don’t argue in my family. We don’t have cross words over silly things. You won’t hear slamming doors or plates flying all over the kitchen at my home. We politely discuss things. And believe me there are plenty of IMPORTANT things to be discussed over this Christmas as well.

Like for example:

Me not being married and not having kids yet. The whole family LOVES pointing this out and asking nosy questions about why the hell I haven’t started a NORMAL family yet, I am 29 for God’s sake. My open-minded, intelligent answers are not understandable for them. Every time, between soup and cheesecake, someone feels the urge to tell me how amazing raising a kid is (I mean, seriously?!) and how insanely happy you feel when you’re married to the one. Somehow nobody understands that the opposite of these makes me INSANELY HAPPY. I will probably be diagnosed with commitment issues and being emotionally broken. Yep, it’s a must-talk during Christmas 2014.

Cakes, cookies, pastries and the rest. That’s what the holiday is all about, right? Baking an excessive amount of delicious cakes and cookies and eating them all. I can’t deny. That’s one of my favorite parts. But I kind of have a problem with other peoples baking…I don’t like it. For some inexplicable reason, I can only enjoy my own baking. Well, OK….my mother’s baking. I actually don’t move a finger in the whole process. I am the gobbler of the house. Now, try to tell your aunt or friend you won’t have their cheesecake on a Christmas day….it can get ugly!

The starting hour of Christmas Eve dinner. Theoretically you should sit at the table when the first star can be spotted on the dark, snowy winter sky. That would be around 6 pm. We always disagree at home about that. While my father and I would love to maintain the tradition and wait until the first star starts to shine, my mother makes us start the dinner almost at a lunch time. After having cooked the dinner by herself and having spent approximately the last 12 hours in the kitchen, the only thing she wants to do is to eat up and rest. So actually we are on a lost cause with this one. And on the other hand, making my mother angry would probably be the last thing you will have done in your life.

Enough with the carols! I accept carols. I wouldn’t necessarily put them on the radio myself but it’s kind of nice listening to them while setting up the table for Christmas dinner or you know, doing before-Christmas chores. My father, who enjoys music very much, is always getting obsessed with carols over Christmas. One of his favorite things to do while my mum is crazy-cooking and I am obeying her in whatever she orders of me, is to put the “Christmas Mix CD” on repeat. And have you ever heard Polish carols? They are all sad, sad songs. It all finishes when one of us is so fed up that we decide to destroy the damn CD. Never fails, one destroyed CD per Christmas.

Switch off the TV during Christmas dinner? You’d better switch the damn thing off before my mother leaves the kitchen and arrives to the dining room. Otherwise she’ll kill you (after screaming loudly with some not very polite words).

Making fun of my granny. OK, OK, it won’t lead us to a family fight. It will only get my grandmother upset a little bit. But still, this is by far my favorite part (sorry nana if you’re reading this)! A quick background story: my grandma is pretty old but doesn’t look like the typical loving and caring elderly lady. She’s the opposite of it. Grandma enjoys cycling, fitness and Pilates classes, dating her boyfriend (not the first one after my grandfather’s death), sharp intelligent discussions in her book club, talking about sex, giving you pretty feminist advice on your love and sex life (seriously!) – the first time she did it I discovered a new meaning of awkward and she rules our family meetings with an iron fist. Now, back to my story. Every once in a while my uncle succeeds in making a funny comment about grandma’s way of life. And that will start a never-ending series of jokes coming from all of us. God, I know it’s bad laughing at others, but man, that’s the moment I love most during Christmas!

We all know that Christmas and the time before the most familiar holiday is rough for everyone. Oh please, don’t lie to yourself that you actually love it. Just agree with me that it’s time of snapping at others and planning a quiet death of your beloved ones!

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